Silent Tears by Kay Bratt

Silent Tears, a book by Kay Bratt, is being re-released soon. Kay is giving away FOUR of her books in 2 weeks. Here are the details:

16 more days until the launch of Silent Tears Encore edition. Therefore, if you want to be in the drawing to win a copy, here's the scoop: Go to this blog post, linked here, and comment on the blog post. Then...post the link on your Facebook or your own blog. FOUR (4) winners will be drawn on Friday!

Here is the amazon.com synopsis:

Irrepressible memories. Vacant eyes. A child being dangled from a third story window. A boy tied to a chair. Children sleeping in layers of clothing to fight off the bitter cold. An infant dying from starvation. Some things your mind will never allow you to forget.

Silent Tears is the true story of the adversity and triumphs one woman faced as she fought against the Chinese bureaucracy to help that country’s orphaned children.

In 2003, Kay Bratt’s life changed dramatically. A wife and mother of two girls in South Carolina, Bratt relocated her family to rural China to support her husband as he took on a new management position for his American employer. Seeking a way to fill her days and overcome the isolation she experienced upon arriving in a foreign country, Bratt began volunteering at the local orphanage. Within months, her simple desire to make use of her time transformed into a heroic crusade to improve the living conditions and minimize the unnecessary deaths of Chinese orphans.

Silent Tears traces the emotional hurdles and daily frustrations faced by Ms. Bratt as she tried to change the social conditions for these marginalized children. The memoir vividly illustrates how she was able to pull from reservoirs of inner strength to pursue her mission day after day, leaving the reader with the resounding message that everyone really can make a difference.

What a Difference

One of the families in our Guizhou yahoo group (Guizhou being the Chinese province that Luci is from) posted a link to a video of their daughter's first few months with them. This daughter was adopted at age 8 months (1 1/2 months younger than Luci was when we got her).

I cried when I watched this hand-over from one family to another. This baby was in foster care from the time she was found until adoption. Luci was in the orphanage from the day she was found until her adoption.

Why the tears? Because this little girl looked so much like Luci except that she was well-nourished and was doing all the normal things 8-month-old babies do. Like sitting up. Rolling over. On her belly, pushing up, as if doing a push-up. Crawling. From lying down, putting herself into a sitting position. Picking up bits of food and putting them into her mouth. Sitting up nicely on the Red Couch at The Swan without slumping over. And looking so healthy with those chubby cheeks and legs!


Luci was so different. Such a stick-figure, and very poor muscle tone. How much brain development was missed by having such meager food and attention? And grieving for her for the lack of love lavished on her those 9-and-a-half months. Other than the physical differences, these two girls look a lot alike!


Luci, home for just one week. She pushed herself into a sitting position, for the first time ever, all by herself...at age 10 months exactly. You can see just how skinny she is. Nothing "extra" on this little girl, at all!


But heartened, as another blog friend said in one of her posts, we are "Plan B" for Luci. (Thanks, "Snapshot.") This mom tells better than I can here that God's "Plan A" for children is to be taken care of by their parents, by the families to which they are born. For some reason, Luci was not able to stay where she was. Was she a daughter when they wanted a son? Was it in-laws who pressured them into abandoning this precious little girl? Was she child number 2 after child number 1 was a daughter also? Was she half Buyi and half Miao (she looks so Miao to me but the orphanage director was adamant that Luci is Buyi), and that mixed heritage is the reason?

Whatever the reason, John and I are happy, deliriously so, to be Luci's "Plan B."

Luci two weeks ago. A lovely, healthy little girl who knows she is loved.

Thirty Days of Thanks...

I am so thankful for this book, Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child. I don't know who first pointed me to it, but I am forever thankful.

We are dealing with separation anxiety with Luci--she's always been wary and often fearful when I leave her, even at Sunday school where she knows everyone, (nearly) everyone knows her, and where she's been going for four whole years and 2 months. The anxiety is greater with John gone, as you can imagine. Some folks, well-meaning I'm sure, tell me to let her cry it out, she'll get used to it, I'm being over-protective, ______ (you fill in the blank). Turns out listening to my gut on this was the best thing for Luci, and I will do what's right for her even when those well-meaning folks start rolling their eyes and giving me more advice. I'll roll my eyes right back and try to not tell them off. Or, at least I'll try to be civil when I'm giving them my opinion of their opinion.

I started out in this book looking at the chapters that deal with age she is now and back-tracked to the beginning. So far, every page has been helpful.

I made the "3 picture story" of her beginnings (yes, I know it has more than 3 pictures, and the Picasa site added one to make the collage even out). Some are taken from the TV set, as the video of her being handed over played. I made extra copies to laminate, as the author (Patty Cogen, M.A., Ed.D.) suggested--because the children are sure to lose them, rip them up, stuff them where they cannot be found, etc. So extras are needed for those eventualities.


The reaction she had to it was very interesting...she looked at it, listened to her story, and dropped it. Ran off. Even acted sort of upset about it. One point of the book (so far, I'm not done with it) was to bring up her adoption (not wait for her to bring it up!), because it is always a part of her, always on her mind, even when she is very quiet about it. So Saturday night, in passing, I asked her if she was mad that we took her away from China. A very small "Yes." We've been talking about her China-mama and China-daddy and her orphanage off and on ever since. Wow.

I wish every person who had anything to do with my daughter had to read this book.

Monday in Birmingham, Part 2

Luci just about broke my heart one day earlier this month when she handed me her baby doll, told me to take care of her because "I'm going to Gaf-ghanistan and I can't take my baby because she might get hurt." Then she got on the couch (her airplane) and flew off into a war zone.

A week or so before that sad scene, I received a newsletter from the International Adoption Clinic in Birmingham asking parents to bring in their children from China adopted since January 2004, to check them out for melamine damage to the kidneys. So, I called for a two-fold appointment.

Here's how it went:

I spent quite a while talking to Leigh Anne about Luci missing her Daddy. She loved what we did with Luci's picture, and the talking Daddy-bear from Build a Bear Workshop. She had some additional good suggestions for helping Luci cope. Easy to do. And that play-acting, Luci's "flying to Gaf-ghanistan" is a good thing, she's processing her loss in a good way.

Leigh Anne also said that this "Daddy leaving" opened up that wound that is deep within her brain of being left by her birth mother (Luci knew her voice from being in the womb) and being left by the orphanage officials when we got her. She does not remember the first instance, but does remember the second, and it is no secret here what happened. In any event, her brain remembers and the wounds run deep. We look at photos, have a story we tell her that is some truth + some wishful thinking (because we don't really know, we never will, so let's think the best, okay?), to help her cope instead of having this be a mystery that haunts her.

Of course, sleeping habits and potty habits and binky habits all got brought up. Leigh Anne said pretty much to do what I have to do with these things, she will eventually sleep on her own, go to the potty instead of wearing pull-ups and won't use her binky in public forever. So don't go about changing everything while she's dealing with Daddy's absence. One big thing at a time. And don't let others' expectations of what they think a 4-year-old should be doing keep me from doing what is right for this precious little girl.

Luci has some super days where everything is goodness and light, and some very sad moments in other days where she misses her Daddy terribly. Leigh Anne said that this would be a difficult thing for the rest of her life, this concern about being abandoned. Luci will learn to deal with it, but it will be hard. Right now, talking to Luci about Daddy's absence is easier because she is in the "average" IQ category. If she were a higher-functioning child, or even a few years older, she would understand that what we say (Daddy will come home when his job is done) might not be true, because she would be able to understand that "things happen, and there are no guarantees."

Thank God for average.

There are other things I could share, but won't here.

Another part of the visit was figuring out kidney damage from the baby-milk. Even though Luci's literature from the Chinese authorities said she was on all kinds of "vegetable powder and meat powder" ?? I think she had only milk formula before we got her. She didn't even like the thicker formula with rice cereal added that we fixed for her (we heard all the babies liked that)--the thickness gagged her, only free-flowing liquid would go down. So I don't think she had anything but watered-down formula for the first 9 months. Certainly not enough formula, if it were full-strength, because she only weighed 15 pounds when we got to the USA.

So we prepared her for the ultrasound. Luci was thrilled that they really did put jelly on her belly and ran it around with a video game-controller (that's what it looked like to her!) but I didn't prepare her for "peeing in a cup." That was a new one to her, and most of it missed (ha ha, I know you are laughing at me). They also did a blood draw (I didn't know that would happen) but Luci did great. The girl who is afraid of almost everything said it didn't even hurt, and was amazed that her "blud is red." I'll let you know what they say about her kidneys, but I'm not expecting any problems.

Unraveling the Past

Miao baby with her silver crown. Photo from Tribaltextiles.com

Just some thoughts here:

I am looking at Luci's official papers from those white folders we got at the end of the adoption in China and it says she was found at the doorway of the All-Around Shop in Saji Town, of Liupanshui City. And it lists the name of the man who found her! Here it's been 2 1/2 years since we got her and I never even noticed the name of the man who turned her in. It even lists the name of the shop where she was found. Those items were not in the referral we received before adoption. I guess I was in a daze when we got all this info while in China, and I don't pull it out, ever. (Except to carry to the basement safe room when there's a tornado--but I don't read it when down there!) Bouyei baby on her mother's back. Traditional headgear has some silver on it, too. Tribaltextiles.com. This baby looks a lot like Luci did when a baby, but the mother has a face that is not as round as most Miao faces are.

Hearing all the latest on the Bouyei people on the Guizhou yahoo group makes me really wonder about Luci. She looks so much like the Miao women in the photographs at the Minority Museum in Guiyang. I wonder if she is half-Miao and half-Bouyei and that is why she was given up? That would make sense to me, since she looks so much like Miao (with a round, flat face.). Not giving her up, I mean--but that they don't usually like children who are "mixed," and that might be the parents' reason for letting her go. Besides the fact that the Bouyei villages are very poor and a son could provide for their later years.

What a pity. If they'd only known what a pretty, smart, nice little girl she is, they never, ever, ever! would have let her go.

Luci with the silver crown her daddy and I can afford.

Sleep Issues; Adoption Stories

In the last week, Luci decided that she does not want to cuddle in my lap anymore to go to sleep. I sorta thought this would be sad news for me, but it isn't. She's 3 years and (almost) 4 months and she's been cudding with me since August 2005. Quite a long time. I am ready to let her sleep on her own. Well, not quite on her own--she wants me beside her. When she falls asleep, I sneak away to my bed. Her mattress is still on the floor next to my side of the bed. So, I guess we need to get the old bed out of the Man Cave and clean it up, paint it, and put in her room. It won't be long before she is sleeping all on her own, in her own room. (I hope. So does John.)

Trying to sleep??

Buffi, mom to Sadie from China (and two other adorable bio kids), asked me just how much of Luci's story have we told her? and how much should we ask the children about their past? and is it better to talk about the past or not? and is it traumatizing to them?

Here are my answers, based on my observation of Luci:

• It all depends on the child. I dont think that's a cop-out.



• Since she was in our arms, we used the A word (we are so glad we got to adopt you!). I finally came up with a fairy tale to tell Luci about her adoption--in a later post-- (recommended to us by International Adoption Clinic) and as she gets older, tell it with more detail. This may be where she gets some of her "locked up" story--maybe it is just fabrication, meaning she was not able to get free until her mommy and daddy got her? The book Shaoey and Dot tells Luci's story. That is a really good introduction for those whose children were abandoned as babies. It's on amazon.com. There are several really good titles on adopting from China.



• Only recently have I asked Luci anything specific. Usually, when we watch a DVD or show about China, I'll ask her something non-specific, such as, "Is that like your China?" and (since we watch only positive things about China) she'll almost always say, "Yes."



• I think it is better to talk about the past. It takes the sting and mystery out of it. It is just a topic after a while, and not so emotionally charged. At first, you can use general terms, and that makes it easy on you and the child. Then you can go into more detail. It is a natural progression. Sort of like those sex-talk minefields--you take it as it comes, and plow through when you need to, taking cues from the child. (If you haven't gotten to that sex-talk point in your kids' lives yet, haha! It is so much fun, she said sarcastically.)



• And if it is traumatizing to them, by all means call a therapist who knows adoption. Kent Brand is in Florence. He used to be the director of Hope for Children, our adoption agency. We love him. Also, International Adoption Clinic in Birmingham has so many resources and takes insurance.

We sent Luci's orphanage a disposable camera before we got her. We asked them to please take photos and return it on Gotcha Day. We had those developed (at Super Walmart in Guiyang, China! A whole 'nother story!). When we got home, Luci got very upset seeing those photos. Then, a year later, no problem looking at them. I need to pull them out again and see how she reacts.

We looked at our Gotcha Day video over the holidays--this was the first time we'd seen it since 2005. Luci was delighted at the baby on the video. No trauma. Every child is so different--here in town we know of several adoptees who have had a terrible time adjusting. Buffi, I would guess just play it by ear.

Sewing For Gracie

A blogger friend, Desiree Christopher, is pursuing her second child from China. Gracie is the child's name. Desiree is earning money toward the adoption by Sewing for Gracie--making these cute little outfits. When we got home today, this little outfit was waiting in the mail. Luci stripped off her clothes and immediately put this on! It is so cute. Please visit her blog if you'd like a similar outfit. She has several materials to choose from. The dress has little pleats at the bottom, and the jeans have a pleated ruffle, too. I didn't know those were pleated when I ordered--it is a nice touch. You can get just the dress, or get the jeans and hair bow, too.

FCC Group get-together

Drew and Lori hosted an informal get-together at their barn last Sunday. It was a gorgeous day, and filled with gorgeous little girls. Here are some photos of the kids. I can't remember two of the girls' names, so I am not labeling every one--I'm sorry I can't remember! I cannot find my list of FCC members--I am going to say that it is packed away (don't know if it is or not, but that is my excuse). John was at drill. One of these days, he will actually be in town for a meeting and get to meet the other dads who have beauties from China.

We also all got to congratulate and give our good wishes to Kathy and Greg, who leave Friday to get their new daughter! They are so excited.


Bryan and JT embarrassed me by pulling their chairs right up to the buffet. At least they waited until everyone else had had their fill.

This is Lori, our hostess, with Karlee.
The girls found the garbage can fascinating--they played music on it. Oscar the Grouch would be proud. Miranda, Luci and Christine.



Halloween!!!!!

I showed Luci this photo and it scared her!

JT's creation