I got this from Denna's blog. I have seen some things from Luci that are not similar to anything that Bryan and JT have done. She has some different reactions to things that cannot be explained by the "she's a girl, that's why she does that" excuse. I know that the fears she has are real, of Mommy disappearing, and fear of some of strangers. I've gotten some raised eyebrows from people who just don't understand what I do with her: keeping her with me for just about everything, for example, or the bed-sleep issue. But I've got to do what's right for Luci even though it bucks what Dr. Spock or some other "behavior expert" says I ought to do. This post might help others understand. It certainly reminds me of the precious, fragile little person we are raising here.
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What is trauma?For our adopted children,
*trauma is being separated from their birthmother. (yes, they realize at this young age that they are being separated from the person who carried them for 9 months, the familiar voice, smells, and movements.)
*trauma is not having your needs met when you cry. (huge!)
*trauma is living in an institution.
*trauma is being tied to your crib
*trauma can for some, involve physical and/or se*x*ual abuse.
*trauma is being neglected
*trauma is being handed to strangers that have been waiting so long to meet you. the environment they have been in for a year or two or more, is all they know. It was not a good place, but they are too little to realize this. they are taken from all that is familiar to them.
Trauma is any stressful event which is prolonged, overwhelming, or unpredictable. Though we are familiar with events impacting children such as abuse, neglect, and domestic violence, until recently, the full impact of trauma on adopted children has not been understood.
An important aspect of trauma is in recognizing that simply because a child has been removed from a traumatic environment, this does not merely remove the trauma from the childs memory. In fact, stress is recognized to be the one primary key to unlocking traumatic memories.
Unfortunately for both the adopted child and family, the experience of most traumas in the childs life is that the traumatic experiences typically occur in the context of human relationships. From that point forward, stress in the midst of a relationship will create a traumatic re-experiencing for the child, leading the child to feel threatened, fearful, and overwhelmed in an environment which otherwise may not be threatening to other people.
Keys to Healing Trauma in the Adopted Child: 1. Trauma creates fear and stress sensitivity in children. Even for a child adopted from birth, their internal systems may already be more sensitive and fearful than that of a child remaining with his biological parents. You must also consider the first nine months in which the child developed. These early experiences as well could have major implications.
2. Recognize and be more aware of fear being demonstrated by your child. Be more sensitive and tuned in to the small signals given such as clinging, whining, not discriminating amongst strangers, etc. All are signs of insecurity which can be met by bringing the child in closer, holding, carrying, and communicating to the child that he is feeling scared, but you will keep him safe.
3. Recognize the impact of trauma in your own life. One of the single greatest understandings parents can have is a self-understanding. Research tells us that far more communication occurs non-verbally than verbally. Understanding the impact of past trauma in your own life will help you become more sensitive to when your reactions are coming from a place other than your existing parent/child experience. Re-experiencing past trauma is common when parents are placed in an ongoing stressful environment.
4. Reduce external sensory stimulation when possible. Decrease television, overwhelming environments, number of children playing together at one time, and large family gatherings. When necessary that these events take place, keep the child close, explain to him that he may become stressed and he can come to you when needed.
5. Do Time-In instead of Time-out. Rather than sending the stressed out and scared child to the corner to think about his behavior, bring him into to you and help him to feel safe and secure. Internally, this will then permit him the ability to think about his actions. Though time-in is not a time for lecturing, it will allow your child an opportunity to calm his stress and then think more clearly. Another effective key is to let the child decide how much time-in he needs.
6. There is never enough affection in the world. A very simple technique for time is the affection prescription 10-20-10. Give a child 10 minutes of quality time and attention first thing in the morning, 20 minutes in the afternoon, and 10 in the evening. Following this prescription of time has proven to have a great impact on the most negative behavior.
In closing, never forget that you are a great parent. During times of stress you won't always feel like it, but both you and your child were meant to be together. Your child will teach you far more about yourself than you may have ever realized without him. Give yourself time to refuel, connect, and communicate. And finally, a secure parental relationship is the single greatest gift you can give your child. When the parental relationship is secure this will permit the child a foundation to grow from.
Copyright© 2006 Dr. Bryan Post. All rights reserved
From the Voice of the Martyrs website:
Of course, I made some last night for dessert before freezing the rest!
This is Betty McCarty. She tried to get the girls to dance with her and at the end, they sorta did.
Yes, I know that the nightstand is really just a plastic bin thing from Walmart. A real nightstand will have to wait.
Okay, so it's a radio controlled car. But it is a car! He knew a joke was coming, so it was met with good humor. Boys and toys that require batteries? Always a winner! (and yes, the boys have birthdays just one day apart...they are 3 years and 364 days apart in age)
Bryan is such a nice young man. We are proud of you, Bryan!
